DECEMBER 4, 1998 GAY PEOPLe's ChronICLE 17

BIG TIPS

The holidays are coming, and I have no money

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

•

Dear Big Tipper,

It's happening again. It's the holiday season, and I have no money. I always say I'm going to start shopping early so I can spread out the expense, but then other things are more important all year, and now, here I am again.

I really don't like to shop that much, and the pressure of finding something that the other people will really like, combined with the money problem means that I'm in trouble, and that's why I haven't started yet.

I could probably bake something, but ingredients add up, too. Do you have any ideas for me?

Jingle Bell Shock

Dear Rudolph, the Tapped-Out Reindeer,

Thanks for pointing out how behind schedule I am, my friend. Yikes. As you may or may not know, advice columnists are pretty wealthy characters, so I never run into any sort of holiday crunch. No, really.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm the queen elf of Having Yourself an Inexpensive Little Christmas/Holiday of Choice, so children, pull up your chairs to the fireplace, and I'll tell you a tale of making it through the season without having to eat the cranberry-popcorn tree garland for the holiday dinner.

Show Me the Hanukkah Gelt:

If you need money to buy stuff, take some of your old stuff and turn it back into money. Now's the time to thin those CDs you never listen to, and sell the books that don't fit in your bookcase. You'll probably be getting more stuff soon, so make room. Just don't sell your hair to buy a watch fob.

That's proven historically unwise. The North Pole Factor (Presents): Baking is a great idea. Ingredients can be expensive, but sometimes it's not that much

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more to make several items than one, so pick something you're good at, and set up an assembly line. Crank out ten loaves of pumpkin bread, wrap 'em in colored Saran Wrap and you're good to go.

Feeling crafty? There are things you can make as presents that are very inexpensive, and the recipients will think you're very cool for making them something. The operational words are 1. the dollar store, 2. Xerox, 3. anything else you can scrounge up that's cheap.

Buy devotional candles (in the tall glass jars) at the dollar store. Make new labels for them featuring, perhaps, prayers of your own construction, a photo of yourself gazing heavenward, or some happy daisies. The positive impact of color Xerox for this project cannot be overstated, and you can get several labels to a page.

Make magnets. Pick up a bunch of old magnets at the thrift store-the kind you can cut with a scissors and glue-stick cooler pictures on them, then trim. I made someone a whole "poetry" set out of words from magazines.

Get cheap notebooks, and redo the cover with a happening color Xerox, pictures from vintage magazines, or, say, fake fur. It'll be about $15 cheaper than the same item at Urban Outfitter.

Melt glycerine soap and pour into greased molds with a few pine needles scattered in, or a little toy sunk in the middle.

Just about anything can become an ornament. Just screw hooks in the top, and go nutty with the glitter.

I make calendars every year. I make one original with little pictures or words on each day, then I can generate as many Xeroxed copies as I need for all of my gift giving. (I keep it clean since my grandmother gets a copy.) These are cool too, because they work as both cards and gifts.

Back to the Xerox machine: Make little booklets of your favorite recipes, or quotes, or eyebrow-shaping tips. You could even make

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a little series: "Favorite Recipes with Tomato Soup," "Favorite Recipes That Make Their Own Crust," etc.

If you have children in your life, any child over five years old gets cash.

The younger they are, the less you can get away with, and five or ten crispy one dollar bills (or a dollar for each year of age) is inevitably cheaper than most toys. This giving pattern will endear you to them, and is also the least expensive thing to ship.

Shop at thrift stores. It may seem weird to give somebody a "used" present, but this is where schmancy vintage stores get their stuff, and you're just eliminating the middleman. It's all about context, context, context.

Go to discount stores, and look for stuff to alter: a pillow that's too tacky to believe might be made out of nice fabric--just carefully cut off the ugly fringe. A cheap sheet might make a nice tablecloth with a little judicious cutting and hemming.

Give a nicely made gift certificate for a nice home-cooked meal brought to their house, or perhaps ten hours of volunteering at the organization of their choice.

Now's the time to go through your home and see if it's time to let go of that item that a

friend of yours loves: If your best friend loves a particular sweater of yours, and you've enjoyed it for a while, maybe it's time to pass it on.

Definitely ask your pals if you can set a price limit on presents, or skip exchanging them all together, and perhaps all go out for dinner together instead.

Hmmm. Oh, and don't host the party. Bring stuff to other people's shindigs. That's always cheaper.

I think that's it for the quickie tips right now. If I think of something else, I'll put it at the end of the next column. Good luck.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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